Eating A Dead Horse

To continue celebration of February Movie Sucktasticthon I thought I would do another review of a February movie. This time I saw Hannibal Rising and I think my eyes are trying to punish me for putting them through it, oh wait, I was just thinking of the exploding eyeball scene from the movie.

Man has this series dropped in quality from the Oscar winning Silence of the Lambs. This movie tries to explain to us where Hannibal came from and how he became the monster that he became but my question is did I really want to know? Hannibal was always the perfect movie monster because you didn't know why he does what he does but you do know that he is much smarter than you. Knowing what motivates him takes away from that unknown and turns him into a little boy who misses his little sister.

Now that I've dismantled the reason to make this movie or even the book for that matter, I'll go about dismantling the movie. It's crap. It wasn't poorly acted or poorly written but its just this movie just feels like a waste of time. If your going to make a movie without any stirring characters or a good story then you would think they would at least make up for it with new and fun ways to kill people but even that was lacking. Drowning? come on. Katanaed? Meh. What happened to flaying someone alive and turning them into a giant butterfly? I'll even take a good brain eating. Even the aforementioned eyeball explosion was edited in such a way so you don't see what's going on. Even the hot Asian chick in the movie was a let down. That's right, I was waiting for a good boobie shot but even that turned into false gold.

So to sum up: a waste of time, no real gore, and zero boobies. I give it a three out of ten.

The Rider

Many of you think of Valentines day when you think of the month of February but I like to think of it as the month movies go to die. This is the month big time Hollywood puts movies that are turkeys but are under too much pressure under investors to get the thing to the theaters. It's a magic time where week after week we get served crap and I look forward to it each year (I guess I just like to punish myself). Last week was Hannibal Rising but this week I felt was the crown jewel of the crappy February movies, Ghost Rider.


I have to first say that I had low expectations for this movie. I mean, did you see the trailers? Even the trailer bits (the best jokes and images) looked a little lame.

I'll start with the movie's weaknesses. The plot is forced. There are horrible cliches followed after more horrible cliches. Action scenes feel forced and there is no real sense of tension in the most of them. The very very worst thing in this movie is the dialogue. The guy who dubs old kung fu movies could do a better job with dialogue in this movie. There are times i laughed out loud or cringed from how bad the lines in this movie were, especially any scenes with the over the top villains.

But even with all that crap I mentioned the movie still has some redeeming values. I have to give it to the computer animators. Ghost Rider did look very good. They got just about every element of him right so I commend the team for that. It also seemed like the people working on this movie realized that this was going to be a corny movie because they took a lot of their scenes with tongue firmly in the cheek and I think it helped the movie when they recognized that. There are several scenes where it seems everyone realizes how silly the situation is.

So that's what I thought. I'll give it a 4 out of 10. Better than I had feared but still pretty bad.

Your Tax Dollars at Work

Yes, we pay our congress to sit around, pick their nose, and eat their boogers.

How Bad?

How bad will Ghost Rider be? I want a general consensus. I'll still watch it because well.. I don't know... I like to hurt myself and it's a comic book movie?

I'm gonna give it a 2 out of 10 but what do you guys think? When it comes out I'll tell you what it actually is (yes being on the Internet automatically gives me the power to know how good a movie is) and we can all have a horrible sick laugh about it.